Have you ruined your children’s lives when you get divorced? Can Single parenting work?
A survey of 18,244 single parent home students found that such single parent children were almost twice as likely to drop out of school and are eight times as likely to be expelled.
Another survey found that boys with no father at home were four times as likely to drop out of school, and six times as likely to have a juvenile court experience and eight times more likely to be institutionalized.
The root problem may not be exactly as the surveys personnel concluded.
First of all, in my opinion, parents with problem children are more likely to divorce.
Often the discord in the marriage relationship is over discipline of the children.So the delinquent child may not be the result of the divorce, quite the other way around.
The divorce may, in fact, be because of the delinquent child or over disagreement over methods of discipline.
This moves more delinquent children over to the ‘broken home’ single parenting side.
The second matter is income.
One Study showed income in two parent homes is over double that of single parent homes. The economically deprived child is more likely to feel he needs to go to work to get things his family and himself are being denied, and hence be more likely to drop out of school.
He may be much more likely to steal to bring filling his needs up to the standards of his peers, hence, more juvenile court appearances, etc.
Dr. Ferson in a San Francisco survey found that at age 24 children of single parent homes were more self reliant and succeeding in life better than those from the traditional two parent homes.
Down the Pike your children are going to be okay according to Ferson’s study.
Dr. Ferson states it is unacceptable to the media to run statistics that show children winding up better.
For example, he said a study in New York that said 26% of divorced children were worse in school because of the divorce.
The press did not run the other part of the same survey that showed 28% of the children were doing better in school as a result of the divorce.
Only the negative statistic appeared. The surveys quoted in the start of this article did not even bother to check how many were doing far better in school as a result of the divorce.
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We say concentrate on getting the parents in a ‘good place’ and the children will not be far behind.
Our observation is that those parents that are adjusting well to the divorce have children that are adjusting well to the divorce. Basically a mirror particularly of the custodial parent.
If the parents are a mess as a result of the divorce so are the children generally.
Children are able to bounce with calamities;
normally it is the parents who go “splat”.
Children go through almost the same pain and process as the divorced parents.The parents say to the children, are you upset; you didn’t get divorced!Yet the children feel as divorced as the parents, going through most of the same emotional stages over what is essentially a loss of a parent and family as it was.
Yet their support system of people greatly diminishes at a difficult time.
The custodial parent is out scratching to make ends meet financially and has less time to spend with the child.
Both parents are so tied up in their own emotional needs as a result of the divorce, they fail to assist their children through an emotionally trying experience.
The relative network of Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Cousins and such contact is greatly diminished as a result of the divorce.
Outside activities are diminished (such as going to camp in the summer) are reduced because of the financial pinch of divorce.
One of the basic needs of a child is to be able to talk about what is happening to them.
Yet the parents get so upset and are so hyper about their own divorce reaction, the child feels he or she cannot safely talk about his or her own feelings about the divorce without upsetting or overburdening a parent already near the breaking point. Sometimes the parent is unloading on the the children, wanting them to take sides or act as a therapist. So the child trys to avoid talking about it with the parent.
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The result is bottled up emotions that pop out as other symptoms.
We have discovered that many parents going through divorce cannot read and absorb anything from a book at certain stages of divorce.
A child goes through the same stages and your child may be also so involved in processing the divorce that for a period nothing comes off of or is retained off a printed page.
This stage does not last usually for more than a few weeks, (it may start anytime up to three months after Divorce) yet if you are a student, it can be devastating to your grades.
Another basic need of children is recognition and attention.
Extra recognition and attention will help a child cope with any traumatic life adjustments. Yet, just at a very trying time (parent’s divorce) they lose much of the attention they had.
Transactional Analysis people (T.A.) call these units of attention ’strokes’. Two children of the same divorcing parents may not fare equally well because of this.
Let us say, for example, one child (usually the boy) was getting 80% of his attention and good feelings about himself from his father, 10% from his mother, and 10% from others.
The daughter was getting 50% from her mother, 20% from the father, and 30% from others.
The father’s leaving creates a great deficiency, particularly when the boy’s mother (who should be giving him extra attention) stops giving even her usual attention because of her own needs of the divorce process.
Since the child needs strokes (attention) to survive, he will try unusually good behavior.
If that does not get the badly needed attention, again, usually because the parents are all tied up in their own emotional mess, the child will discover he gets the needed attention by bad or weird behavior (acting up).
If this keeps up, the child becomes conditioned to bad behavior.
To keep your divorce from having an adverse affect on your children, we have found doing the following will get them back to normal or even better than normal:
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a. They did not cause the divorce in any way. It is not their fault.b. There was nothing they could have done to have kept you together.c. There is nothing they can do to put you back together.d. They should not try or feel required to take over the missing parent’s role or job? They should continue just being ‘kids.’e. They are going to have to make some ’standard of living’ adjustments.f. Their parents will never divorce them; parental love is different than husband/wife love and always continues.
1. Get your own act together (Most important!) .
2. Let the children know positively
Personally give them more attention, especially for doing good things. Try to make little notice (ignore) of bad things (do not reward bad) with attention.
Get an aunt, uncle, big sister, big brother, or anyone such as Boy Scout leaders, etc. to give them attention and a chance to ‘talk out’ what is going on in their lives.
Set definite rules for them to live by. This is like guard rails on a bridge. You seldom run into them but knowing they’re there makes it easier to cross.
Expand their responsibilities and the size of their restrictions as rapidly as they show they can handle the responsibility and freedom.
Explain that when you start going out and dating that you have needs just like kids do. They need to be with other kids to play and you need time to be with other adults to play.
They have certain times to be with other kids; this section of time is set aside for you to be with other adults.
Explain that a new person in your life shares an adult love that has nothing to do with your loving your children any less. They are not competing, these are two different things.
Plus they gain a new adult in their life, too.
They should know that when newly divorced, you are going to be upset a lot and not act the way you should all the time.
They need to be asked…….
…………… to be much more tolerant…….and understanding……
….. of both parents, right now………
…… and for a while, you…both will likely be a little wierd because of the divorce. They need to be told this turmoil is temporary because it all gets much better soon.
Single Parenting
Kids Will Adjust -
Give Them a Break
part 2 of a 3-part series
Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003
Children of divorce go through almost the same stages of divorce that adults do.
- Bewilderment - cannot believe this is really happening
- Anxiety - what catastrophe is this going to bring on next
- Anger - it isn’t fair
- Blaming - become depressed
- Fear- afraid for the future
- Loneliness- miss what was.
……. Almost the same the parent is going through but, not necessarily in the same order as the parent.Yet most people ignore the emotional roller coaster the children are going through, saying the parents got divorced, not “you kids.”
Yet both suffer a loss and are thrown into major lifestyle changes at the same time.
To smooth things out in the children’s roller coaster of emotional ups and downs, ……….. Parents need to do the following:
1. Be more understanding of emotional flare-ups just as they need to be more understanding of you and your emotional roller coaster.
2. Assure them the missing parent did not stop being their father (or mother), that the missing parent is having a difficult time adjusting too and may find it hard to see them often and have to split again each time – that rather than have to go through that emotional tearing apart, the missing parent may prefer to nearly cut off all contact until they have adjusted but that doesn’t mean they stopped loving or caring about you.
3. Tell them you are setting up a kid-time every day at a certain time, like, say, 5:30p.m. During that time they can bring up anything they like and can talk as long as they want and you will give them 100% of your attention. So save all of their gripes or anything they need to discuss or talk about until that time if they feel you are not really hearing them. It is the quality of your time (attention), not length of time.
4. Encourage them to talk about their feelings, fears and affects of the divorce without putting them down for it or “poo-pooing” their concerns.
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What you need to do:Basically call a truce and end the war with your Ex. When you continue the divorce war, research shows children are most affected.
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Do not build them up superficially either because kids know there was some reason you split.
Do not run the missing parent down excessively.
One of the big temptations is to use the children as spies or reporters of what is going on with the Ex.
Or worse yet, use them as pawnsin the bargaining between the parents, such as ‘If you do not do blank….. then you can’t see Johnny this week’, or even worse, using it as a lever with the children: ‘If you do not…., you can’t go with your father this weekend.’
Respect visitation rights with the missing parent an absolute thing that can be shaken only by grave happenings. If the children want to be with or the missing parent wants to be with them certain times, let them – even if it inconveniences you.
When the missing parent knows they can see their children as often as they want and the children know they can see the missing parent as often as they want (at least as far as you are concerned anyway), then it takes the fear and frustration out of the divorce hassle.
The Ex and the children will both soon tire of it if this privilege is used excessively so you won’t be inconvenienced too long. So just hang in there and do not rock the boat.
The visitation parent must learn that when they agree to a time, they keep, respect and honor it. Otherwise they are asking for lack of cooperation next time.
TALKING IT OUT, IS BIG
Another thing we forget is that we need to talk about our own divorce adjustment and inner emotional turmoil (and war with the Ex) so much so often that, not always having someone to talk to about this, we drop this on the children and try to make them our counselor. Again, a bad mistake.
Children badly need to talk about what has happened and often parents are of little help. Relatives, clergy, counselors and/or others should be asked to help with this.
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Another common mistake is to become “supermama” or Disneyland Daddy. The mother who says ‘My whole life now is my children’ becomes supermama. She is not only not doing herself a favor, she is not doing the children one either.
The mother needs to lead a rounded life of her own to raise well-adjusted children.
The father who tries to make up for his absence by taking them all sorts of exciting places when he has visitation is also missing the boat.
What they need is attention, not just a tour guide to the land of make-believe.
When the parents start dating again, avoid exposing the children to a whirlwind change of different people. When you have a relationship or relationships going that appear to be fairly constant for at least some period of time, then allow more contact between the dates and the children.
As far as sexual relationships go, the experts advise that if you try to deceive the children by claiming that John slept on the couch all night, you are not fooling the children.
Be honest. Explain you are over 21 and have adult needs. If you have teenage daughters, explain that you are an adult and have the emotional maturity to handle filling your sexual needs this way.
That does not mean they should do the same or have clearance to do so (until they are an adult too).
Remember, many fathers (or the missing mothers) give more needed attention in a short time with visitation than they often ever did when they lived with the children full time.
Encourage the children to spend as much time as possible with the missing parent and encourage the missing parent to see the children as often as possible also.
If you are the missing parent, instead of just taking the children when you want to or when it is convenient for you, cooperate and offer to take the children when the custodial parent wants to be free of them for various reasons or times.
Accept some of the responsibility, always be on time and you will get cooperation when you need it too.
Children can grow and expand their life with new adult relationships of both parents, winding up with a double set of parents that care about them.Single Parenting
Dating and the Kids?
part 3
Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003
Many newly divorced have a quandary about dating and the children.
It seems that some become super mama(or Disney land Daddy) and “the children” become “everything” in their lives.
They will tell you the reason they haven’t been getting out is on account of “the children.”
This “sacrifice” is no benefit to the mother or the children’s welfare, either one.
Others have such a dire need to be with other adults that their children become low on the priority totem pole.
Particularly when they are in what is known as the “running” stage.Fortunately this stage only lasts a short time.
What we need is sort of a middle ground. Mother should have time to take care of her needs and the children should be given extra time and attention to their needs at other times.
You have to understand that children feel they are going through a divorce too, and you do need to give them more attention and reassurance than usual.
However, that does not mean length of time; it means taking a few minutes each day and really giving the100% attention quality of time and attention, not length of time.
Some children initially may be threatened by mother starting to go out or dating. Some may even act up and really cause a scene or develop problems when you want to go out.You need to explain that if they had to only be with adults all the time, then they would get crabby and so on, because they never got to play with other kids their age.
Tell them that when mothers have to just be with kids all the time and never get to play with other adults their age, well, then mothers get crabby too (they know this already only too well.) Now you get to play with the other kids all this other time, so tonight is my night to get out and play with other adults.
Small children particularly may feel that if one parent left (deserted them, they feel) probably the other one will too.
Reassure them that no matter what, you will never leave them.
Tell them that if you ever love another adult, that doesn’t mean you will love them any less.
The love relationship between a man and a woman is different than love for your children.
You may say initially you may need to spend more time getting established and comfortable as a single but that will settle down soon, that you may spend a little less time with them right now than you like, but since you do not have an opposite sex adult living with you like you used to, you need to go out where other adults are.
HOW WILL THE KIDS REACT? |
Some people say, well, should I bring any of these people I am dating in to meet the children, or should they all spend some time with the children?
Experience seems to indicate that the best bet is not to get your children very involved with your dates when you are dating a lot of different people.
They tend to easily get attached to certain ones. Introduce your dates to your children when the occasion arises.
When you date some certain one on a more regular basis, then you may want to do some joint activities that include both your date and the children.
What if you have teenage daughters, for example, and you stay overnight at your date’s house, or they stay overnight at your house. Isn’t that going to set a bad example for your daughter?
You need to have a talk with your daughters. Tell them you have been married for years and that you are over 21, that you may be having one of your men friends staying over but that doesn’t mean that sort of thing is ok for them.
When they are more mature, have been married for years, or are over 21, then they can decide that sort of thing for themselves, but until that time, no.
Tell them you are used to having a man around, having been married, and since you are not going to be getting married again right away, you still want to have some men in your life.
NO POINT PRETENDING
If you pretend that ‘Charlie’ slept on the couch all night, you are not fooling anyone. If you are uptight about or try to pretend something that isn’t, then it becomes an emotional issue.
If you treat it all as just something natural, then it is no big deal.Have a lock on your bedroom door and remember there is no reason to be any more uptight about it than when you were married.
Avoid a series of a lot of different people, in this regard. You may be single for a long time or even for the rest of your life.
Remember, if mother’s life is purring along happily, then that’s the best thing you can do for your children. Your children are usually thriving almost in direct proportion to how you are doing.
Get your life working well and theirs will likely be too. |
WHAT WILL YOUR EX SAY?
What will your ex do if the children report your new opposite sex friend is staying over?
Sure, they think they should be out having a good time and you should be staying home 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, breathing down the children’s necks:
Sure, they have a mixed bag of feelings about other people having some part in their children’s lives, but they grow up and eventually realize it’ s a good thing for all that their ex is happy, and the resulting benefits for their children.
What you do about dating and fulfilling your sexual needs will depend on your moral attitudes and whether you can change your programming to where you are not uptight about it.
When it just sort of flows and seems like the natural thing because of how you view it, and no one is uptight about it, then it can only have a beneficial effect on your overall happiness and as a result, your children’s.
They are a mirror of how your life is working.
Do whatever works and change your programming to allow yourself to be comfortable with what works.
SHOULD YOUR DATES MEET THE KIDS? |
While it looks like they are getting short-changed now, they will probably be in a good place and shape later when all the divorce smoke has cleared. |
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